Dear Bims,
I am in shock (and that is an understatement). I dated a guy for just over a year and thought we were very happy, although he remained close to an ex-girlfriend which I took issue with but he
assured me it was nothing more than friendship. I met all his familyand his mother actually used to call me once in a while. He was reluctant to get engaged, saying we would get married someday but not yet.
However after continued pressure from me and his mum, we got engaged after 1 year and began to make wedding plans. A couple of months into our engagement he began to act strange. He called less often and always seemed too busy to talk for long when I called. After a while, he totally disappeared, and I mean disappeared. I couldn’t reach him on his phone and he was never in when I called at his place (he schools outside London and just stays with his cousin when in
London, which is where I live). His mum who lives in Nigeria stopped taking my calls. He recently got in touch out of the blue to apologise saying, ‘Unfortunately, I had to get married 2 weeks ago’. I am absolutely devastated; I can’t understand why he would do such a thing. How do I put my shattered heart back together?
Miss Shocked
Dear Miss Shocked,
As devastated as you may be (and that’s understandable), I think you should actually be giving thanks that you didn’t end up marrying this guy. What kind of husband would he make – a man who disappears without reason, and isn’t honourable enough to break off an engagement decently? If I were you I would feel more sorry for the girl who actually married him.
He may have gotten married to someone else for various reasons. It may be that he preferred the other lady. Ex girlfriends who continue to stay in close touch should be warning signs for anyone in a relationship. Its one thing to be in touch once in a while, but continued close and frequent contact between two people who used to be in a relationship indicates that there is still something between them or unfinished business of some sort. Or it may be that he got married because she is pregnant and he felt obligated to marry her; and couldn’t summon the strength to tell you.
In any event he has demonstrated that he is not yet ready for the commitment that marriage requires. Firstly that is shown in the fact that he had to be pressured into agreeing to be married to you in the first place. If a man truly loves a woman and values her no one will have to pressure him to put a ring on her finger (assuming he is of age and financially able to settle down). Secondly, even after he gets married he will still be attracted to other women but should be mature and disciplined enough to let commitment override attraction. He has already shown by involvement with another lady whilst committed to you that he will have a challenge being faithful in marriage.
My encouragement is that you let reason take over emotion – whilst you must feel hurt and embarrassed at his behaviour; wisdom should let you know you are better off without the relationship. This man was not ready for marriage period, and the words he said to you ‘Unfortunately, I had to get married’ indicates that even this marriage he is in is not voluntary and may be in trouble sooner or later.
My advice to you is take lessons from this relationship (notably - don’t pressure a man into marriage and be wary of overly close relationships between someone you are in relationship with and someone of the opposite sex especially if there is a history involved) and give yourself time to heal before the next relationship.
Last but not least, forgive him; it will help you to move on.
Blessings
Bims
L&L
Bims
